Our 2 year old son kicked, screamed, cried and raised hell when his loving but harassed parents successfully weaned him away from drinking milk in bottles to sippy cups. He took a big step on his journey to growth.
He will eventually transition from diapers to potties, from simply walking to cycling and so on.
He will be helped every step of the way by his loving parents who will never give up on him.
But what about us, normal adults. Who will coach us, cajole us and push us to new behaviors that while very uncomfortable initially will greatly help us become more, learn more, do more and achieve more in life.
Friends we all have a barrier in life that we need to break through. It is funny that some people call it the glass ceiling, bamboo ceiling and so on and so forth.
It is very comforting to assign blame to someone else.
The ceiling we really need to break through is the comfort ceiling.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
To take new actions you need to break through your comfortable mental and physical routines a.k.a your comfort zone.
A while ago I learnt a powerful lesson of why we should do this consistently.
For more than a year I was running a website (now defunct) called www.indianbabystuff.com.
In that time I made about 4 sales and was more than 500 dollars in the hole.
I cancelled the website but was still left with an inventry of Indian comics, DVDs and audio CDs ( I still am in case you are interested in buying).
I then learnt about a ethnic fair aimed at Indians where I could rent a stand and sell my inventory.
I was very very uncomfortable doing this. I was brought up in a culture that devalued the sales profession. While I understood intellectually the importance of sales I just could not get myself to participate as a vendor. I was worried about how my friends would perceive my actions, I was worried about how I could approach total strangers with a sales pitch. I was wracked by all sorts of worries.
At about this time, I was reading the Emotional Intelligence quickbook by authors Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves( you can read my free abstract of the book at EQ QuickBook Book Summary). This book stressed the importance of crashing through your comfort zone.
I got caught up with one phrase in particular "Lean into your discomfort". I kept repeating this phrase like a mantra. So despite my acute discomfort I leaned into it and went ahead with the fair.
I opened up a stand.
On that one day I made more sales than what I did for a whole year through my website!!
And I had no problems at all making a sales pitch to anyone visiting my stand.
What a powerful lesson on the benefits of breaking through your comfort zone.
Remember you cannot grow and still expect to be the same.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Interview with the world champion of public speaking
The world champion Vikas Jhingran is to my right
How often does one get a chance to meet and converse with a world champion and for free at that.
Public speaking is a passion with me. I am a member of Toastmaster's International.
In 2007 the world championship of public speaking was won by Vikas Jhingran. He is of Indian descent like me and a role model and inspiration to me.
Recently I had a chance to listen to some of his speeches and meet him in person at a District conference.
He repeated the speeches he made at the District and Regional level. The final award winning speech was screened.
In between and before the speeches he talked briefly about how he utilized his unique background to his immense advantage. For e.g. he fully exploited his Indian heritage by using speech topics that his rivals would not have had the opportunity to live and retell,thereby ensuring he stood out. All the three speeches in the world championship contest featured incidents from his life experiences in India.
His message to every one in the room was this. Reflect on what makes you unique, value your differences and exploit them to your advantage. Be yourself. Do not simply copy other person's style.
Know yourself - was a key theme he stressed throughout his presentation.
He shared some world championship secrets with us much to our privilege.
Vikas used the lessons he learned from turning around his academic career from an average student to an A lister who got into the MIT in creating a system that continues to serve him well in academia.
After he made many mistakes and attempted to copy other speakers' styles in his initial stint with Toastmaster's he replicated the model that he had used in academia in his speeches with tremenduous success.
The model is this. He found out that the reason he fared poorly in exams was that he was not cut out for all night cramming the day before the exam like others in his circle were. He discovered his strengths and weaknesses and used it to his advantage.
In his speaking engagements he does not listen to the two speeches made immediately before his. He also goes into a contest never focussing on the win.
I was bowled over by it. Not only is he an entertaining speaker with a great message but as was evident he is also the message.
He is a celebrity and it was no surprise to see him literally mobbed.
Still I was able to get a few minutes to interview him.
Q) How did you discover your passion for public speaking?
Vikas) It was not immediately apparent that I had a passion for it. I was working as a junior engineer and on one occasion badly wanted to make a client presentation. I was told I could not as I did not have good presentation skills. I enrolled in Toastmaster's and discovered within a few months that my self confidence and self image had grown a lot. In conversations with my colleagues I created more favorable impressions.
Seeing tangible benefits in Toastmasters motivated me to continue participating in Toastmasters. It lead to a virtuous cycle of self improvement.
Q) How did you go about preparing for the world championship?
Vikas) Mentoring is very important. You cannot go it alone.
I watched the sppeches of all the participants in world championship finals over the past 10 years.
I received mentoring support from previous world champions such as Darren LaCroix.
It is important to keep in mind that I did not blindly copy their styles.
I had my own style and picked and choose only those strategies that helped fine tune my style. In all I would say I discarded 90% of what the experts had to say.
But the remaining 10% was extremely valuable.
I also choose mentors who possessed qualities that I admired and which I wanted to emulate directly.
I worked with Mary Mallowney who is a tremenduously talented writer. Writing is my strength and I wish to improve it.
I also worked with Dave Safacone who besides being a great writer is also a speaker that was a world championship runner up.
Finally a tremenduous amount of hardwork. I must have practised my world championship winning speech at least 30 times.
Q) How has you life changed after winning the world championship
Vikas) I receive lot more requests to speak. I appreciate the speaking opportunities and meeting new people.
I am also more well known at MIT.
My advisor appreciates my achievement tremenduously.
MIT has a reputation for engineering. This achievemnt of mine underscores the fact that engineers can be great communicators too.
Q) What is your muse that gets you the great content for your speeches?
Vikas) I am a creative writer and poet. I used some of the material from my poetry for my speeches.
I also reflect on life experiences.
Draw on experiences that leave an emotional impact on you.
Beginning speakers are afraid to use emotions in their speeches. Great speakers use emotions to make a connection with the audiences.
In a speech I once made, a girl sitting in the front row was so moved by what I said she started crying. I later walked up to her and thanked her.
It is tremenduously motivating to see you make an emotional connection with your audiences.
Q) Any other words of advice for aspiring world champions?
Vikas) Compete in as many contests as you can.
Find your own style and then look to experts to refine it. Do not simply copy other speakers' styles.
Find out what works for you and what does not.
Experiment.
For the world championship speech I used a question to conclude my speech. All others elaborated on what point the audiences should take home in their conclusions.
Q) Any peculiarly Indian challenges?
Vikas)My pronunciation. For e.g. between using the V and W letters.
Slow down. Many Indians tend to speak way too fast. Slow down.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
There is more to diapers than just poop
Have you ever had a desire.
I bet you did. In fact it is likely you have an unmet desire right now.
Like you I had a desire too...of doing extremely well in my career and advancing to the very top.
But there was a simple problem I had to first overcome. The question of HOW.
How do I go about achieving my desire. Obviously it was not just about burying myself in my work and doing a great job of delivering results. For this was just what I was doing for many years and it was obviously not working.
Little did I realize the answer was right under my nose..my two little kids. One a 2 year old boy and the other a 1 year old girl.
I loved my kids but had conflicting emotions about them. Sometimes they were my number one priority and sometimes they played second fiddle to my priority for career advancement.
I loved the tender moments when my son looked at me cried..Daddy and ran into my arms or the welcome dance I recieved upon returning home from work.
But there were also times when I plumbed the depths of frustration by his acts like emptying a full bottle of oil on the bed or stuffing the heating vents with diapers.
...and the never ending ritual of changing diapers...
I looked at taking care of my kids as... well ... taking care of kids. No more no less. It was an important part of my life, but only a part of my life tucked away in its own corner.
I was always thinking about my career and getting frustrated that it was going nowhere.
Then one day I got struck by a simple but profound insight.
To get more in life I had to become the person worthy of attracting my desires into my life.
In my case that meant working on my anger and becoming more even tempered and much more patient. I was not exactly a raving lunatic but it hardly takes more than a careless email written in the heat of the moment to undo years of good will.
I used to will myself to keep calm but this was not working.
I realized I had created an artificial compartment between home and work. I expected myself to behave a certain way at work but let my guard (and anger) at home.
What happens at home does not stay at home. As the saying goes "Your character is what you do when nobody is watching you". In this case it meant when no colleague was watching what I do at home.
What better way to become a better person by trying to become a better parent. You are tested as a leader. Your buttons are pushed at all times.
Your stress levels go through the roof when you manage a kid running a high fever, a runny nose or a fussy eater.
Parenting, I realized was a far more challenging job than anything I did at work.
This was a test life was posing to me. And little did I realize that.
From that day I looked on at changing diapers, feeding my children and other parenting tasks as having a valuable benefit far beyond what the actual tasks entailed.
I finally got the big picture.
If I could keep my cool as a parent I would succeed in overcoming my biggest stumbling block at work .
I am working hard at it
I bet you did. In fact it is likely you have an unmet desire right now.
Like you I had a desire too...of doing extremely well in my career and advancing to the very top.
But there was a simple problem I had to first overcome. The question of HOW.
How do I go about achieving my desire. Obviously it was not just about burying myself in my work and doing a great job of delivering results. For this was just what I was doing for many years and it was obviously not working.
Little did I realize the answer was right under my nose..my two little kids. One a 2 year old boy and the other a 1 year old girl.
I loved my kids but had conflicting emotions about them. Sometimes they were my number one priority and sometimes they played second fiddle to my priority for career advancement.
I loved the tender moments when my son looked at me cried..Daddy and ran into my arms or the welcome dance I recieved upon returning home from work.
But there were also times when I plumbed the depths of frustration by his acts like emptying a full bottle of oil on the bed or stuffing the heating vents with diapers.
...and the never ending ritual of changing diapers...
I looked at taking care of my kids as... well ... taking care of kids. No more no less. It was an important part of my life, but only a part of my life tucked away in its own corner.
I was always thinking about my career and getting frustrated that it was going nowhere.
Then one day I got struck by a simple but profound insight.
To get more in life I had to become the person worthy of attracting my desires into my life.
In my case that meant working on my anger and becoming more even tempered and much more patient. I was not exactly a raving lunatic but it hardly takes more than a careless email written in the heat of the moment to undo years of good will.
I used to will myself to keep calm but this was not working.
I realized I had created an artificial compartment between home and work. I expected myself to behave a certain way at work but let my guard (and anger) at home.
What happens at home does not stay at home. As the saying goes "Your character is what you do when nobody is watching you". In this case it meant when no colleague was watching what I do at home.
What better way to become a better person by trying to become a better parent. You are tested as a leader. Your buttons are pushed at all times.
Your stress levels go through the roof when you manage a kid running a high fever, a runny nose or a fussy eater.
Parenting, I realized was a far more challenging job than anything I did at work.
This was a test life was posing to me. And little did I realize that.
From that day I looked on at changing diapers, feeding my children and other parenting tasks as having a valuable benefit far beyond what the actual tasks entailed.
I finally got the big picture.
If I could keep my cool as a parent I would succeed in overcoming my biggest stumbling block at work .
I am working hard at it
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Instead of testing I was trusting
I am talking about making assumptions. It is very sneaky.You can get blindsided by it.
Unless I am of a different species from the homo sapiens, making assumptions is a common fallacy for many others. Worse we make it automatically and unconsciously and suffer a lower quality of life as a result.
This point was driven home to me recently.
The weather pundits forecast a heavy overnight snow shower of about 10 inches.
True enough when I got up in the morning I was worried to see the whole ground, including my driveway, covered in snow. I got more worried as the clock ticked by and my snow plower did not show up. I left two voicemails for him and finally got him on the 3rd attempt.
He was surprised to hear my request for plowing my driveway.
There was not that much snowfall actually!. Not even enough to warrant my contractor to leave his house to plow his customers' driveways.
He was certainly an honest gentleman.
I could have found this out for myself by just walking out and stepping on the ground. I would have realized instantly that it was not much. Certainly not enough to prevent me from driving my car over it.
Instead of testing I was trusting... ( of the weather man yes the weather man. See how naive I can be).
I was too lazy mentally to think critically for myself.
Fortunately my staying home did not lead to a crisis at work. I am not that critical to my employer any way..not yet.
But this was an eye opener to a lazy mental habit of making assumptions.
As the US Army says...If you assume ...you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'.
Got it?
Unless I am of a different species from the homo sapiens, making assumptions is a common fallacy for many others. Worse we make it automatically and unconsciously and suffer a lower quality of life as a result.
This point was driven home to me recently.
The weather pundits forecast a heavy overnight snow shower of about 10 inches.
True enough when I got up in the morning I was worried to see the whole ground, including my driveway, covered in snow. I got more worried as the clock ticked by and my snow plower did not show up. I left two voicemails for him and finally got him on the 3rd attempt.
He was surprised to hear my request for plowing my driveway.
There was not that much snowfall actually!. Not even enough to warrant my contractor to leave his house to plow his customers' driveways.
He was certainly an honest gentleman.
I could have found this out for myself by just walking out and stepping on the ground. I would have realized instantly that it was not much. Certainly not enough to prevent me from driving my car over it.
Instead of testing I was trusting... ( of the weather man yes the weather man. See how naive I can be).
I was too lazy mentally to think critically for myself.
Fortunately my staying home did not lead to a crisis at work. I am not that critical to my employer any way..not yet.
But this was an eye opener to a lazy mental habit of making assumptions.
As the US Army says...If you assume ...you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'.
Got it?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
You can learn from the movies and have a great time while at it
...but not often though.
Most of the time I come out feeling quite empty.
However there was one movie that I watched (with some trepidation actually) that touched me to the very core.
It is a Hindi movie starring Amir Khan called "Taare Zameen Par".
Now I am the kind of person that would be the first to watch sci-fi action movies such as "I am Legend" Starring Will Smith.
But even to a philistine like me the movie "Taare Zameem Par" made a deep impact. It is a story about an 8 year old boy that suffers from Dyslexia and as a result fares poorly at studies and sports. He is ridiculed by his friends and scorned by his father. He leads a lonely life only to see it take a course to the worse when he is packed off to a boarding school.
Redemption comes in the form of a school teacher played by Aamir Khan.
This movie brought tears to my eyes.
I hugged and kissed my two year old son. I love him more than anything else in the world. But he keeps testing my patience....
I will henceforth be more understanding of him.
I would hate for him to suffer the way the protagonist in the movie did from his well intentioned but ignorant parents.
A very uplifting movie. Not the sort that I normally watch but I am glad I did.
Check out this movie.
And if you are not an Indian then all the more reason why you should try out something different especially one as uplifting and edifying a movie as this.
Most of the time I come out feeling quite empty.
However there was one movie that I watched (with some trepidation actually) that touched me to the very core.
It is a Hindi movie starring Amir Khan called "Taare Zameen Par".
Now I am the kind of person that would be the first to watch sci-fi action movies such as "I am Legend" Starring Will Smith.
But even to a philistine like me the movie "Taare Zameem Par" made a deep impact. It is a story about an 8 year old boy that suffers from Dyslexia and as a result fares poorly at studies and sports. He is ridiculed by his friends and scorned by his father. He leads a lonely life only to see it take a course to the worse when he is packed off to a boarding school.
Redemption comes in the form of a school teacher played by Aamir Khan.
This movie brought tears to my eyes.
I hugged and kissed my two year old son. I love him more than anything else in the world. But he keeps testing my patience....
I will henceforth be more understanding of him.
I would hate for him to suffer the way the protagonist in the movie did from his well intentioned but ignorant parents.
A very uplifting movie. Not the sort that I normally watch but I am glad I did.
Check out this movie.
And if you are not an Indian then all the more reason why you should try out something different especially one as uplifting and edifying a movie as this.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Letting Go
Recently I was reading a book (now, one thing you will learn about me soon is that I am passionate about reading) titled Discovering the laws of life. This book was compiled by John Marks Templeton the founder of the very large Templeton mutual fund.
On page 132 there was a passage whose message really struck home. It quotes the texts of Taoism in saying that what is softest and most yielding is also the strongest force. For e.g. water and wind. They can wear down even the mightiest mountain to pebbles in time.
In order to apply this principle we must believe in a higher power or god or whatever you may want to call it and surrender to it. If you have a problem in your life (who does not) you must do whatever you can without resistance or struggle and then turn your attention to a higher power and surrender to it. Sort of "doing your best and leaving the rest to god".
While I understand it at one level I do not think I get it.
I did have a few experiences a notable one being when I was working on my laptop and its battery was almost dead. I was working on something important and needed to submit the work before it died. I could not. The laptop died before I could complete my task.
But instead of indulging in my normal emotional reaction. I let go. I had searched for and could not find the charger. So I just shrugged it off without creating an emotional storm.
Next day morning when I was waking up I was struck by a thought about where the charger could possibly. When I searched there, I found it.
Read the Discovering the laws of life if you can find it. It is an exceptional collection of the universal laws of life some of them with interesting anecdotes as well.
On page 132 there was a passage whose message really struck home. It quotes the texts of Taoism in saying that what is softest and most yielding is also the strongest force. For e.g. water and wind. They can wear down even the mightiest mountain to pebbles in time.
In order to apply this principle we must believe in a higher power or god or whatever you may want to call it and surrender to it. If you have a problem in your life (who does not) you must do whatever you can without resistance or struggle and then turn your attention to a higher power and surrender to it. Sort of "doing your best and leaving the rest to god".
While I understand it at one level I do not think I get it.
I did have a few experiences a notable one being when I was working on my laptop and its battery was almost dead. I was working on something important and needed to submit the work before it died. I could not. The laptop died before I could complete my task.
But instead of indulging in my normal emotional reaction. I let go. I had searched for and could not find the charger. So I just shrugged it off without creating an emotional storm.
Next day morning when I was waking up I was struck by a thought about where the charger could possibly. When I searched there, I found it.
Read the Discovering the laws of life if you can find it. It is an exceptional collection of the universal laws of life some of them with interesting anecdotes as well.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The best school in the world
I had a friend in Engineering school back in India who to speak frankly appeared to be out of place in the university. He was not much into academics nor into taking exams.
He used to cheat his way through the exams while I studied hard and never cheated on the exams.
Many ..many...years later...I heard he was doing very well for himself running two businesses.
Now I do not begrudge him his success. In fact I respect and admire what he did for himself.
As for me. I am comfortably settled in an IT job in the USA. But not very successfully.
I have been in the same post for more than 7.5 years. I have not received a single promotion!!!
You need to know one thing about me. I have an impeccable academic pedigree.
I scored 99 percentile on the GMAT, reached the final (interview) round at the prestigious IIMs, aced very competitive engineering and management entrance exams.
I have an MBA from a top business school in India, I have a Master's in Computer science from Rensselaer ranked the 18th best computer school in the USA.
And I have been working in IT for 7.5 years without a single promotion.
Is something wrong with me.
It sure is. I am responsible for my own mess.
However the point I wish to make especially for us Indians to whom education seems to be the be all and end all is this.
Go easy.
Do not waste your precious time on earth collecting academic degrees.
They do not matter. Not even for much in your first job.
For all the benefit I got from my Computer Science degree I might have as well been watching movies.
I admit that on occasion academic degrees do help in your day to day to jobs especially in technical professions such as IT and research. But they will not take you forward!.
I wish in addition to learning about relationships between datasets in Maths I learnt about relationships between and among people.
Having the right relationships is the single biggest success factor in life.
I wish instead of just stopping at learning how to calculate Compound Interest in mathematics I learnt how it could truly impact your financial life.
The magic of compounding is the single biggest success factor in your financial life.
It takes more to succeed in life than getting good grades and having good academic credentials.
In fact you do not even get started in life when you complete your formal education.
He used to cheat his way through the exams while I studied hard and never cheated on the exams.
Many ..many...years later...I heard he was doing very well for himself running two businesses.
Now I do not begrudge him his success. In fact I respect and admire what he did for himself.
As for me. I am comfortably settled in an IT job in the USA. But not very successfully.
I have been in the same post for more than 7.5 years. I have not received a single promotion!!!
You need to know one thing about me. I have an impeccable academic pedigree.
I scored 99 percentile on the GMAT, reached the final (interview) round at the prestigious IIMs, aced very competitive engineering and management entrance exams.
I have an MBA from a top business school in India, I have a Master's in Computer science from Rensselaer ranked the 18th best computer school in the USA.
And I have been working in IT for 7.5 years without a single promotion.
Is something wrong with me.
It sure is. I am responsible for my own mess.
However the point I wish to make especially for us Indians to whom education seems to be the be all and end all is this.
Go easy.
Do not waste your precious time on earth collecting academic degrees.
They do not matter. Not even for much in your first job.
For all the benefit I got from my Computer Science degree I might have as well been watching movies.
I admit that on occasion academic degrees do help in your day to day to jobs especially in technical professions such as IT and research. But they will not take you forward!.
I wish in addition to learning about relationships between datasets in Maths I learnt about relationships between and among people.
Having the right relationships is the single biggest success factor in life.
I wish instead of just stopping at learning how to calculate Compound Interest in mathematics I learnt how it could truly impact your financial life.
The magic of compounding is the single biggest success factor in your financial life.
It takes more to succeed in life than getting good grades and having good academic credentials.
In fact you do not even get started in life when you complete your formal education.
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